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Everybody poops…I read that somewhere. Of course that also means everyone has to clean up afterward and whether you wipe right or you wipe left, mathematically, you’re not getting it all.
Humankind has been trying to solve the residual post-dookie problem since the beginning of recorded time. The ancient Greeks used pottery shards (I still don’t get how this worked or why they didn’t consider fig leaves.) The Romans rather smartly developed a sponge attached to a stick (but it was communal, which perhaps hastened the fall of their civilization.) Back in the era of the 13 colonies some were using discarded corn cobs. (WTF?) Eventually, North America ‘discovered’ the paper solution, something the Chinese sorted out by at least the 14th century.
Enter the bidet. In 17th century France, a true genius decided to pair the chamber pot with a wash-up bowl set into a stool. Who knows why this took so long. Eventually a pump was added to spray upward, which was enhanced with the advent of plumbing—a true game changer.
I’m not sure it was my first encounter with a bidet, but I remember watching Crocodile Dundee in the theater and wondering why we didn’t have one at home. In retrospect, the bathrooms in the house I lived in then were too small to accommodate a bidet and a toilet. At some point while I was in college, my mother renovated a bathroom and insisted on adding a bidet.
It was glorious! My solution had always been to observe the general order of operations—shit, shower, decide not to shave. But now I could drop a deuce without having to strip down and hose off, which is time consuming and not always possible when you’re out and about in the world. As I’m writing this, I’m sitting post-pinching a loaf in the United lounge at San Francisco International Airport after an early morning transcontinental flight. The TP was trash and I don’t feel my freshest.
I would have much preferred to float a trout at home where there’s a TOTO Washlet bidet toilet seat but I had to catch a cab before 5 a.m. and it wasn’t time yet. If nature had called, I would have been able to enjoy a bootie spray with an almost magical jet that allows me to set the pressure and temperature to my liking. Since it’s mounted to the toilet, it takes up less space than a traditional bidet and I can stay put on the heated seat when it’s time to mop up. Four settings let me dial in the comfort of a place that’s so nice it entices me to grab a seat even if it’s only for a number one.
As you sit on your throne an air deodorizer automatically kicks on and the TOTO deploys a pre-mist to prevent porcelain skid marks. When you’re done, there’s a blow dryer so theoretically you’d never need toilet paper again… though it’s nice to have around in case you want to double check the TOTO’s work.
Maintenance is minimal. The spray wand actually cleans itself and the seat has a quick release so you can easily scrub under it. But one of the coolest features is the energy saver, which learns your behaviors and heats the seat when it anticipates your need to make room for lunch.
Beyond just making existence as a mammal more comfortable, there are health benefits to using a bidet seat. The process flushes bacteria away from your naughty bits, which can prevent infections like bacterial prostatitis or urinary tract infection.
A bidet seat’s warm jet of water is also good for your home’s plumbing since it minimizes the use of toilet paper and eliminates any need for wet wipes, which are taxing on pipes.
Honestly a bidet seat is an incredible, relatively inexpensive life upgrade that takes the work out of un-soiling your tuchus. I’d put one in every bathroom on the planet if I could. Sadly I don’t have that power. If you do decide to get one, remember—the need to wipe after you do the doo may disappear, but if you want the log to vanish, you still have to flush.
C2 Washlet Electric Heated Bidet Toilet Seat for Elongated Toilet in Cotton White